HELP ME OBI-WAN FLIST

[kungfuwaynewho]

I need to have a logline for the producer's book for AFF.  I FUCKING HATE WRITING LOGLINES.  I AM THE WORST AT WRITING LOGLINES.

What is a logline?  "A log line or logline is a brief summary of a television program or film, often providing both a synopsis of the program's plot, and an emotional "hook" to stimulate interest."  For most of the people who will see the book, they won't have read the script, so my logline is my one shot to get them interested in the script.

Here was my first attempt:

The people of the village have always lived in terror, cowering under the shadow of the mountain above them, and the dark Count who rules from the castle there – until the day a young woman decides that enough is enough, and journeys to the castle to end the terror for good.

And I thought that was really boring and sucked.  So I came up with:

An ancient evil lurks in the castle on the mountain.  The villagers cower in terror, but one young mother has had enough, and journeys to the castle to deal with the Count herself.

This felt better, but also...cornier? 

So please, please, help me.  Relevant info: it's a classic vampire movie, the protagonist is a woman, she is a BAMF who just like decides to tell the evil vampire guy "bro leave us alone for real" like to his face.  And it's more about atmospheric horror and unheimlich than it's about gore and such.

I need to turn it in by tomorrow afternoon at the latest; I'd rather have it decided tonight or tomorrow morning and have it over and done with.  So any feedback would be amazing and perfect and I would love you forever and maybe write you fic.  Please and thank you.  :DDDDD

Comments

[sonneta.livejournal.com]

Hmm, I like the "An ancient evil lurks in the castle on the mountain. The villagers cower in terror" part, but maybe then: "Only one women has the courage to face the Count." (kinda cheesy / trope-y, but it would catch my attention)

[kungfuwaynewho.livejournal.com]

It is good to know the first part worked. That's what I ended up going with. Ugh, I hate these things - thank you for taking a look!

[congo]

I wish I could help, but I got constant fail grades in all my summaries both in school and (even) at uni. God knows how I made it through my essay writing class...

That said, I like both your versions? I mean, it also depends on how long it needs to be. The shorter the better, then I really like the second one. Corniness is, I think, to be expected with summaries that are supposed to pull people in. If you have a bit more space, though, I don't know. I'd probably put in some more, but then again, fail grades.

(I only just realised that that is a Wesley icon. My god. It is perfect.)

[kungfuwaynewho.livejournal.com]

Yeah, we had to write loglines for the scripts we read as judges this summer, and I ran into the same problem. I can't even do it for someone else's. And it's an important thing to be able to do in this industry, so it's definitely my Achilles heel.

Haha, I love that icon - naushika made it, and I stole it immediately.

[vjs2259.livejournal.com]

Are the folks who read loglines adjective-adverse? My English teachers were but it seems if you want to draw someone in, a few might not come amiss. Also too long, but here's my suggestion:

"In the castle on the mountain lurks an ancient evil. For years the villagers have cowered in fear, but now one young mother has had enough. She will confront the dark Count, and put an end to his reign of terror."

I think the young mother bit is good cause it defines her a bit more and puts an popular emotional hook in play. Be sure and let us know what you send in! Exciting!

[kungfuwaynewho.livejournal.com]

Haha, yeah. Screenwriting on a whole is pretty adjective-adverse, and adverb-averse. It's all about cramming in as much info in as few words as possible, so word choice is key. And I don't know why I have such a hard time with loglines, I really don't. Sigh.

Thank you for your help! I went with something really similar to what you came up with: "An ancient evil lurks in the castle on the mountain. For centuries the villagers have cowered in fear, but now one young mother has had enough - she will confront the dark Count, and put an end to his reign of terror." I wanted the "ancient evil" to come first because you never know how quickly someone will skip past - within the first sentence is definitely in the realm of possibility. Sigh. Executives.