This has a much more eerie feel to it than the first draft - I like it! And Dominik's intuitiveness that something's not right is a nice touch. Ummmm this is probably just a formatting thing but:
BATHORY Once I cared very much what happened here. I felt a great kinship with these lands. But my service to the king went unrewarded. The people grew to mistrust me, even fear me. And then my sons. All dead. None lived longer than a week - the last never drew a single breath! The pain in his voice is obvious.
The last line runs into the dialogue as though it's supposed to be spoken, but I'm presuming it's direction?
Otherwise, the edit continues to be wonderful, and with all the new stuff I'm anxious to find out what happens next!
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branchandroot
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Date: 2011-03-20 09:58 pm (UTC)BATHORY
Once I cared very much what happened here. I felt a
great kinship with these lands. But my service to the
king went unrewarded. The people grew to mistrust me,
even fear me. And then my sons. All dead.
None lived longer than a week - the last never drew a single breath!
The pain in his voice is obvious.
The last line runs into the dialogue as though it's supposed to be spoken, but I'm presuming it's direction?
Otherwise, the edit continues to be wonderful, and with all the new stuff I'm anxious to find out what happens next!