Like I told nhpw, I think I'll cut the first Samuel death
Ah, oops, gotcha -- missed that!
Is there anything that you can point out as being convoluted?
I've been reading this so incrementally that I don't remember everything very well and I sort of lose the flow, but I can go back over things and take a closer look if you like. Off the top of my head... the way I mentally outline the story (very bare-bones vague version) is: Stuff leading up to Mira coming to the castle, plot thickening and stuff starting to get interesting at the castle, Beta getting introduced with things getting more interesting, then, TENSE act threeish stuff happening, Mira and Ilsa leaving the castle and there's more TENSE STUFF HAPPENING, then coming back and having a bunch more TENSE STUFF HAPPEN, and now there's TENSE NATHANIEL AND JANOS STUFF happening, and we've still got a climax and resolution coming. All the different elements of Act 3 are really awesome, there's just so much of it. Like, maybe if they never left the castle it would simplify things, or if the final confrontation was down in the village and they never went back...? I feel like it should flow as lots of tense stuff happening, but it sort of goes off in one direction, then in another, then in another again, and the disparate parts don't necessarily feel like they're pulling you toward one main inevitable clash, whereas the first half felt like it was all aiming toward something.
One thing I can think of is the bit where Balthar possesses Dominik when he's with Ilsa and there's the whole scary bit on the bridge -- it's really cool and tense and well-written, but it doesn't seem like it contributes to the climax -- it sort of exists on its own. (It shows that vampires don't cross water and that Balthar can possess ppl from afar, but there are other vampire clues, and later Janos possesses Natlhaniel so we see that then.) There might be other bits in there that aren't necessary when it comes to trimming it down. Beta might show up more than is strictly necessary. But as I said, it's good stuff, there's just so *much* stuff.
Oy, now I'm second guessing myself. Maybe I'm just losing the sense of pacing because I am reading it incrementally. IDK, you already plan on trimming it down, so I guess my only solid suggestion would be that the trimming happens in act three and that everything you leave in points eventually to the climax, or that there's a reason for everything and there aren't any little scenes that sort of stand off on their own. When you're finished, I'll sit down and read it all through again more quickly, and maybe I'll be able to give more helpful input.
I really like it. If I didn't, I wouldn't bother critiquing structure -- that's one of those things you give up on early if you think a story's not good, y'know? I know this is a first draft, too, and if I were reading draft 3 you'd have already gotten things trimmed etc. I have full confidence in your talent and abilities. ;) There are some really unique twists and elements to it -- you dive into the vampire myth at a different angle than most writers do.
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branchandroot
no subject
Date: 2011-01-17 04:41 am (UTC)Ah, oops, gotcha -- missed that!
Is there anything that you can point out as being convoluted?
I've been reading this so incrementally that I don't remember everything very well and I sort of lose the flow, but I can go back over things and take a closer look if you like. Off the top of my head... the way I mentally outline the story (very bare-bones vague version) is: Stuff leading up to Mira coming to the castle, plot thickening and stuff starting to get interesting at the castle, Beta getting introduced with things getting more interesting, then, TENSE act threeish stuff happening, Mira and Ilsa leaving the castle and there's more TENSE STUFF HAPPENING, then coming back and having a bunch more TENSE STUFF HAPPEN, and now there's TENSE NATHANIEL AND JANOS STUFF happening, and we've still got a climax and resolution coming. All the different elements of Act 3 are really awesome, there's just so much of it. Like, maybe if they never left the castle it would simplify things, or if the final confrontation was down in the village and they never went back...? I feel like it should flow as lots of tense stuff happening, but it sort of goes off in one direction, then in another, then in another again, and the disparate parts don't necessarily feel like they're pulling you toward one main inevitable clash, whereas the first half felt like it was all aiming toward something.
One thing I can think of is the bit where Balthar possesses Dominik when he's with Ilsa and there's the whole scary bit on the bridge -- it's really cool and tense and well-written, but it doesn't seem like it contributes to the climax -- it sort of exists on its own. (It shows that vampires don't cross water and that Balthar can possess ppl from afar, but there are other vampire clues, and later Janos possesses Natlhaniel so we see that then.) There might be other bits in there that aren't necessary when it comes to trimming it down. Beta might show up more than is strictly necessary. But as I said, it's good stuff, there's just so *much* stuff.
Oy, now I'm second guessing myself. Maybe I'm just losing the sense of pacing because I am reading it incrementally. IDK, you already plan on trimming it down, so I guess my only solid suggestion would be that the trimming happens in act three and that everything you leave in points eventually to the climax, or that there's a reason for everything and there aren't any little scenes that sort of stand off on their own. When you're finished, I'll sit down and read it all through again more quickly, and maybe I'll be able to give more helpful input.
I really like it. If I didn't, I wouldn't bother critiquing structure -- that's one of those things you give up on early if you think a story's not good, y'know? I know this is a first draft, too, and if I were reading draft 3 you'd have already gotten things trimmed etc. I have full confidence in your talent and abilities. ;) There are some really unique twists and elements to it -- you dive into the vampire myth at a different angle than most writers do.